I've been thinking a lot lately, though, about meeting people and how hard it is for me and how easy it seems for other people, and why that is. I have this thing where I meet people who actively want to pursue my friendship...like all the time. It's kind of flattering...maybe it should be more flattering than if I were constantly meeting people who wanted to sleep with me, but didn't care if they liked me. Actually, it's definitely more flattering than that would be. But, it starts to wear on a girl's confidence when it seems like everyone thinks your great, but not "dateable" - like, what's wrong with me that you really want to get a beer with me, but you don't want to go home with me after?
It may seem that I'm exaggerating, or that I am misinterpreting the signs (one way or another) from my supposed friend "courters". I wish this was the case. As an avid overanalyzer, and because I wish this constant scenario I find myself in was somehow different, I spend a lot of time trying to figure out why this is NOT the situation. But, when someone calls you, repeatedly, and says "let's get a beer" or "let's go to this party" or "let's go to this awesome event" and then it's really clear they aren't trying to get in your pants, what else can you make of it? And, seriously, this happens to me a lot. With a lot of different people. God, that sounds like bragging...it's really very frustrating (probably because it's not balanced by people who actually do want to date me).
Anyway, following another occurrence of my other fairly typical pattern (dumped out of the blue after 3 seemingly great dates dates for some reason that seems to have nothing to do with me, coupled with what seems to be a genuine extension of friendship "no really, I still want to hang out, let's go to that movie" - what?) last week, a friend repeated to me, half-joking, I think, some advice that had been extended to him - in these situations, what is the common denominator? Or, well, who.
Yeah, I told him that didn't really help. But, also, it's not like it never crossed my mind before. What is it that I do that exudes friendship? Or, in Buffy-speak, perhaps, non-datey feelings? You know those people who exude sex? Sometimes I worry that I'm whatever the opposite of that is...I just have "best pal" oozing out of my pores. And, how do I "fall in love"*, if everyone I do meet (even from online dating sites!) really wants to be my friends? Especially, because I tend to start to fall for people when I think they're trying to date me, only to realize, too late again, that actually I'm just in another situation where someone thinks I'm "really great".
I also spend a lot of time wondering if this happens to other people. Or, if I'm crazy. It doesn't seem to happen to my friends that often (and we talk about this stuff a lot). Am I alone in the phenomenon of being actively pursued for friendship by people who otherwise ought to be pursuing me for dating? (exhibit one: someone I meet via an online dating website, exhibit two: someone I meet through mutual friends and drunkenly make out with at a party, exhibit three: someone who gets my number from my friend and calls you out of the blue...need I go on?)
The kicker is, of course, that I buy into the scenario. I perpetuate it. I accept the invitations. I like the other person (duh, too much). I am flattered by their interest (romantic or otherwise). And, I'm the kind of fool-headed, romantic -comedy raised hopeless romantic who somewhere inside hopes that this will in fact turn into my tumultuous love saga, because hey, s/he called ME. The last one's the hardest to take. That I know I'm leading myself on. But, I do it anyway.
The subtitle on this one is: Or, Why Am I So Awkward? That arises because I wonder if that is the common denominator. Like, ironically, if I worried about all of this less, I WOULD exude the sexiness that wouldn't type me out of romantic pursuals. I mean, I guess I can't be that awkward, or people wouldn't want to be friends with me. But also, how do people meet other people, especially without the internet? What is it I do that gets me past the step of just being in someone's phone? (People ask for my phone number a lot, they don't often call it...or call it to ask me out on a date).
This might have just been a long rant on my feeling of hopelessness right now about ever meeting anyone. I tend to get that way. It's like...I have this feeling...I mean, it's true...that looking for love is liking looking for apartments, you look at a million, and they're all wrong, and you think you'll never find it, until you do. And, I haven't. But, it's hard when I feel like it must be something about me (even though all my friends say it's not, and it's necessary for my self-esteem to believe that) that is inherently undesirable (even if clearly there are lots of things that are desirable that I take for granted that make people want to be my friend)...How do you fight that feeling? How do you accept the truth in it, pinpoint what the inherent thing is, and potentially change it? How do you wait patiently without being inactive?
This shit is getting depressing...next time it will be hints on finding love online...that's much better.
*I have a really complicated relationship with the falling in love myth, which I think I will discuss also at some point in the future.
