Okay, the reason I really started this blog was that I’ve spent a LOT of time Internet dating. Despite my not finding a long-term romantic relationship, I learned a lot and feel like I can help others (because there are all these things I wish I’d known before I spent over a year learning them through trial by fire). So, I made a top five list for my friends (which they seemed to find helpful), that I secretly hoped to turn into a top ten list and an article for Variety that would make me rich and famous, obviously. (Turns out though that everyone thinks they’re an expert on Internet dating, it’s really hard to get things in Variety, print media may be dying, and I didn’t really know the first thing about doing that anyway). So, I started a blog. And the time has come.
This 2 part “series” is in honor of my rejoining Internet dating. Part 2 is the aforementioned top ten list. Part 1, which you are reading RIGHT NOW, is more general thoughts about Internet dating, why I joined to begin with, why I quit, and why I’m back. If you are thinking the likely, and very good, question I alluded to before “but, you were not able to find a long-term romantic relationship via the Internet, why are you qualified for writing this?” - have no qualms! I really think that this is an arena where my having tried, and tried, and tried (and tried some more) and essentially “failed” makes me more perceptive on these issues than people who met someone great on the Internet and are now getting married, or some non-normative signifier of "successful" dating. The best pitchers make terrible pitching coaches – they’re good without thinking about how they do it. The best coaches are the ones who spent their careers focusing on technique in order to keep up. That principle applies here.
1) Why I joined the Internet.
It’s hard to meet people. It always has been for me. And, to meet women? Forget it. Especially other Femmes (see previous post). I'm kind of awkward. I use big words. I ramble (all of these things I'm sure you've noticed so far by reading this blog). Also, my cousin’s marrying someone she met online. I thought it would get me what I wanted. Why does anyone join?
2) Why I quit the Internet.
I tried multiple sites (OKCupid wins, see Part 2 for why), and was at it for about a year and a half, going on lots and lots and lots of dates, most of which were "meh". Some were really bad, but not often. Some were great, but not often. The dates I went on with women more often than not led to a second date, which then led to me getting dumped (if you can call it that) in really bizarre ways. The dates I went on with men didn’t usually go anywhere, usually because I wasn’t following the rules of the top ten list, and probably shouldn’t have gone on the date. Some people have suggested my dates with women led to second dates more often because of a fundamental difference between women and men, I don't think that's true. I suspect it's more likely that 1) I was better at online dating (following more my top ten rules) by the time I started going out with women via online 2) There's a better selection of women (in my opinion) 3) I felt bolder with women (see previous post), so I made things happen more 4) Some horrible, but probably true, version of me being less of the male standard of beauty and men in New York all wanting to date models, or something. Who knows. I also, I hate to say, had two profiles. One that was straight and one that was gay. I had started out with a "bi" profile, but hadn't gotten anywhere. Someone suggested I have two, it worked a lot better, but it always made me feel a little dirty and like I need to explain myself when I met people. Which is probably worthy of a whole post on it's own. This is why my posts are so long.
Actually, there weren’t any REALLY bad dates, I'm lucky – the worst ones were that the people were boring and I felt like I wasted my time (tips for avoiding that in the top ten list!). The best ones were really promising and exciting and usually got me into multiple 3 -date relationships (why is that the standard limit?).
There was also a situation where I was in an ambiguous relationship for an entire summer. This was with The Ambiguous Girl (who, started off as The Hot One, I never use real names with my friends, until it’s worth using names, so I have "titles" - it's very SaTC). Oh, The Ambiguous Girl - Were we dating? Were we friends? Nobody, including either of us, knew! Or, maybe, actually, she knew and was afraid to tell me, or I knew and didn’t want to admit what was really going on…but, that’s sort of beside the point now. It was dramatic, and fun sometimes, and now we're friends. It is, it turns out, my longest lasting Internet relationship - not romantic, nor was it always easy, but there you go.
Mostly there were a string of people who went on a couple of dates with me, things seemed like they were going well, and then they disappeared inexplicably (usually, if they were women, I suspect/have had confirmed, to go out with a guy instead), without demonstrating any common courtesy of how to break up with someone – even if it’s someone you’ve only gone out with a few times. (More on etiquette part 2).
The weirdest thing that ever happened was this girl I went on three really good dates with. I thought we were super compatible. She spent the night on the third date, which involved me cooking dinner. That morning when she went to work, I packed her leftovers in my favorite Tupperware (such a mistake!). She said “I’m definitely going to call you”, she said she had “such a good time”, she promised to return my favorite Tupperware, obviously. Then, she fell off the face of the earth. Literally. (Well, probably not literally). She returned a few of my calls, and said she was busy, and we decided to give it some time. Then, she just never called me back. Finally, I sent an email, saying “look, I don’t care what happened, but can you please give me my favorite Tupperware back?” This might make me sound crazy, but do you have Martha Stewart Tupperware? Also, I wasn’t calling every day harassing. This was 2-3 attempts at contact over the course of like 3 weeks. ALSO, I this was one of the last ones, so this was after a series of strange, disappointing, non-etiquette possessing Internet blow-offs, wherein I was bruised and had lost perspective. Anyway, after I’d given up all hope and was mourning the loss of my Tupperware and my dignity (see my Facebook status from that week), the very next day, I got an envelope in the mail. The return address was from an office. Inside – no note, just the Tupperware. WHAT THE HELL? Seriously? What did I do to offend her so badly that she couldn’t even put in a note? But, that’s not actually why I quit the Internet, though it definitely made me say “I should quit the Internet” a few times.
The most awkward one was “The Awkward Girl”. We dated for like 6 weeks, but only went on 4 or 5 dates. She was really, really, really awkward. Like, she put my awkwardness to shame. I became more awkward around her. It was a disaster. Then, we had a super awkward conversation in which I said, essentially, in person, “I think you’re not that into me, which is fine, but can you tell me that so I stop making a fool of myself?” This happened while I was walking her home, it made her so uncomfortable, apparently, SHE WALKED PAST HER HOUSE. I was like, um, don’t you live back there? She denied that she wasn’t that into me. Then, three days later, she AIMed me and basically said, “you were right.” Duh. I knew I was right. Why did you lie to me and then break up with me over AIM? Only I didn’t say that, all I said was, “okay.”
It got really exhausting. The going on boring dates. The getting “dumped” in annoying, rude ways. The constant excitement followed by the disappointment. One guy I had to dump called it soul-sucking. That was sort of unfortunate. He and I were supposed to go out on Super Bowl Sunday, he realized that’s what day it was, and wanted to reschedule. I agreed. He never called. Months later, he found me on OKCupid (we’d originally connected on Match.com). He wanted to make it up to me, he told me that part of what had happened was that Internet dating had gotten soul-sucking (I wasn’t there yet), that the constant dating, rejecting and getting rejected was too much. He’d needed a break. I agreed to go out with him. I then had to reject him. It was, like I said, an unfortunate situation. Now, I get what he was talking about, though.
The one I felt worst about was the one I shouldn’t have gone out with. He was a decent guy, I might have been more interested under other circumstances. We were supposed to go to a Sunday brunch. The night before, I sort of accidentally on purpose hooked up with my Hot German Subletter. Oops. Clearly, I called, offered to rescheduled, did not explain why, and we did. Then, we went out. Even though I was sort of dating the Hot German Subletter and sort of into/wanting to date the Ambiguous Girl. It was a fine date, but I ended up ditching him (he may or may not have realized that was what was happening) to go dancing with the Hot German Subletter. He never called me again. I didn’t blame him/was a little relieved. But, I felt bad about it, that one was my fault.
Just when I’d given up all hope, but didn’t have the will to quit, (I’m an addict, I think, I’m addicted to the possibility of happiness – whether Internet dating can help you find that is debatable), I met The Vegan Dog-Lover. My gay husband said “Oh, Vegan Dog-Lover, Lesbian wet dream.” I said, “I love cheeseburgers, and not dogs.” I pretended I liked dogs. Or, that I didn’t dislike dogs (I don’t DISLIKE them, from a distance). I didn’t tell her, upfront, I was allergic to cats, though I knew she had a cat. I figured I’d bring it all up when it mattered, if it ever ended up mattering, I was cynical at this point. She walked in. She didn’t look like her picture. I thought, this isn’t going to work. We had a really long, really good, but not moving too fast, date. I decided if she called I’d go out with her again. She called. I started to get worried about the pet situation. It ended up not being nearly as big of a deal in the short-term as I anticipated. We were expiration dating (we both knew it was ending when she moved in a few months). It was really nice, actually. In large part, because, it wasn’t going anywhere so the major vegan dog-loving issues weren’t a big deal. Then, she decided she wasn’t moving, so she broke up with me. If she wasn’t leaving she wanted to be with someone she could be with long term. I was surprised, but figured I always knew it was ending. I was surprised by how upset I was. Then she ended up moving…but that’s not the point. The point is:
3) Why I REALLY quit the Internet.
In addition to telling me she wanted to resume the Quest For True Love (my term, not hers) since she wasn’t moving, she told me she’d been on a date she had fun on and was going out with that person again (I assumed a guy, cuz I always assume it’s a guy, cuz it usually is), which, was fine with our short-term, not serious, arrangement. Back to the part where I was more upset than I expected to be. I retreated, as always, to my bastion of hope and endless possibility – the Internet. I wondered how had SHE found a guy (I didn’t actually know this) on the Internet (I knew this)? Hadn’t I been through all the seeming decent ones? Hadn’t I seen there weren’t any decent ones? Where did she find one? In my Quickmatching, I stumbled upon one that seemed really great. Not too different from her, in fact, in a lot of ways. I messaged him. He responded with a lovely note (even though normally I think you shouldn’t do that, see the top ten) saying that he was sorry, I seemed great, but he just started dating someone. I panicked. Oh. My. GOD. I thought. This is him. This is who she broke up with me for. I was convinced. I had no proof. Nor did I want any. I’ll never really know. But in that moment, I did the thing I could never find the strength to do before – I deleted (not temporarily, permanently) all of my Internet dating profiles. Suddenly, rather than being a world of endless possibility, Internet dating felt like a sick joke, wherein I had exhausted all of the possibilities and was now just in a cycle of friend-cest similar to that of everyone I know who doesn’t use the Internet and dates each others exes (which is something I went on the Internet to avoid). That was almost 4 months ago.
4) Why I rejoined.
I kept thinking I might rejoin, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I just…couldn’t. After all of that the thought of going back was pretty unappealing, even though I was tempted by my addiction to the hope…I did other things. I met people in person (sort of, that didn’t go anywhere). I was a TONY single (which didn’t go anywhere). I was okay being single and not meeting people (sort of). I was too tired to think about dating and putting forth all of that energy of selling myself on first dates. I graduated from grad school and had time to go to parties that weren’t full of gay men. And I thought, it’s summer, it’s easier to meet people in summer. That’s something that a lot of people think/might actually be true – not only is it easier for me, I read a book by a professional matchmaker once (don’t ask, http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/sex/singleish-dating-advice-from-a-professional-matchmaker-379900/, I thought it was going to be like Sex and The City, it wasn’t…this is the first time I’ve ever admitted to reading that book) and she said the same thing.
But, I’m still here, calmer, still tired, still not really that happy being single, but feeling like I might have the energy to jump back into the world of sharks and hope. So, I made a profile. I got a new “identity”, I made my profile sparser than I ever have before. I haven’t messaged anyone, and I’m following all my own rules. So, we’ll see what happens. So, far I’ve just been ignoring offers of threesomes, 62-year old men, and people I don’t at all find attractive…but, maybe one of these days, I mean…it’s online dating, there’s so much possibility…and hope.
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