I was going to write about romantic comedies, and my great love for them, and what that means…but then I got asked out on a date and I had a better, more timely idea, related to current events in my life, so I’m going to write about that instead. Also, the romantic comedy one was getting trite and boring, so I was happy to abandon it for the moment, but you know, expect it soon, hopefully in a more entertaining form than it’s currently in.
So, the date. I have trouble meeting people. Especially women, because my gaydar isn’t that great (and what I mean is that my gaydar for women who don’t look “gay” isn’t that great, i.e. if I walked into the room I’d assume I was just straight). As a result, I’ll put it out there that people should introduce me to their friends (particularly women), and I end up with blind dates. Which, is great. Except when the blind date asks you out because they’ve facebooked you and think you’re cute and then you look at their profile and know that they’re not your type and feel like you have to go out with them anyway, for obvious reasons. And, I’ve done enough online dating (posts to come in the future), to know that if you’re not into someone’s pictures online, you’re not going to think they’re cuter in person.
Now, if I had written this post pre-date, as I was planning, it would be much shorter and focusing on one thing. But, as it turns out, the date lasted…longer…than I anticipated. So, in addition to talking about the laws of attraction (or supposed laws) and the underlying feminist concerns I have about that, I also am going to end up talking about gender dynamics in one night stands (or first date hookups?) and me feeling like I’m being “that guy” – and what that means and if it’s even possible, and whether there’s any excuse for making selfish decisions/if those decisions are less selfish if you’re honest. Just a warning, this is going to be ridiculously long. I’ll try to break it up into manageable/skimmable chunks.
A. S/he’s just not my type.
The phrase “not my type” seems fairly innocuous. People are attracted to different things, it’s out of our control (the extent of this seems frequently debated, but for the most part, you can’t choose who you love – or want to fuck), and just because someone is unattractive to me doesn’t make them categorically “unattractive.” My short explanation of what my being into both guys and girls means usually encompasses some sort of phrasing that says it’s the same as everybody else, I’m attracted to who I’m attracted to, and I try not to let what I’ve been socialized to think about gender cloud what I’m feeling. Great in theory, and probably total bullshit. Because…well…what is my type?
After a beer or two, in a crass and “abashed” (is that a word, the opposite of unabashed?) way, I’ll admit that I’m fairly attracted to normative presentations of gender – I don’t prefer feminine men and butch women. I say my pre-revelation-about-my–true-attraction-compass college self was always falling for gay men because I wasn’t in touch with the fact that I also wanted to date women – and, pretty much since I figured that shit out, I haven’t had a crush on a gay man. And I used to get them ALL the time. This may or may not be self-aggrandizing, mythologizing crap. It’s also possible that I started spending more time with gay men and being able to recognize them more often, and not stopped letting myself get sucked in, it may be that the reason the guys I liked turned out to be gay was that when we were younger fewer people were out and therefore gay men were more likely to flirt with me, and I’m really susceptible to being flirted with, or it could in fact be that I had a transformative revelation. I don’t think there’s anything WRONG with non-normative gender presentation, or genderfucking, nor non-gender presentation, etc. I’m all for it, I think people should express themselves however they want, and I think people are attracted to all kinds of people and it shouldn’t be a big deal. I get that it is a big deal, I get why politically it’s really important to acknowledge that people think it’s a big deal, and I recognize my own privilege in being able to ignore that issue if I so choose.
That said. I like femme women, I’m not that into butch women at all. And, I like men who are a little cocky (I find this a particularly apt word for SO many reasons, I’m attracted to confidence, which often reads as arrogance, but also, men who are outgoing and smooth, and who could be defined as “players”, but I’m gonna write a whole post about that another time, so let’s not get into it here. I was gonna write “roostery”, actually, and then realized cocky is even more specific.) No worries, right? This is just my type. I shouldn’t feel guilty. I can’t help it. Etc. Etc. Etc. Yeah, great, except, my “type” happens to conform PERFECTLY with conventional standards of beauty. My taste is totally in line with what it is “acceptable” to like. (Side note: except, in the sense, that it’s not acceptable in a lot of circles for women to like women, but that aside, the “kind” of women I like, are the kind of women one who likes women are supposed to like). I’m suspicious. How much of that is really just the way the chips fall and how much of it is totally a result of my socialization? For a long time I was only attracted to men I think in part because I’d been socialized (by the world/media/my non-immediate formative peer/family circle – because my close friends and parents were actually feeding me counter-culture) to categorize certain feelings as “crushes” and other feelings as “friend crushes.” I’m a total product of my society, and I feel like I should fight that, but I also don’t know if I can or if the idea of fighting my socialization on principle is undercut by the fact that if I’m attracted to what I’m attracted to, how can I actually change that? I try to be open to things, but some things get you hot and some things don’t.
To further complicate this matter, I’m pretty sure I’m more receptive to more feminine men than I am to more masculine women. This feels hugely problematic to me. Especially as a feminist who has some masculine traits, but is pretty much a big “girly girl” – except when compared to actually “girly girls” (whatever the hell that even means, btw). I totally believe gender is a construct anyway, not based on anatomy, and that how much I play into that construct (or anyone does) depends on the day, more than a constant thing “about me.” But, when we’re talking about what I’m “attracted” to, and how I feel about going out on a date with someone, when I look at the picture on facebook and see a fairly butch woman – I’m like, oh, this isn’t gonna work out. And I hate it. And I want to feel differently. And I can’t. And I wonder if this makes me a bad person. But, mostly, I wonder what opportunities I’m closing myself off too, in what ways I’m making the world a worse place, and whether or not there’s ACTUALLY nothing I can do about it. And I wonder if other people feel the way I do, or if most people can just accept that you’re attracted to who you’re attracted to whether or not that has something to do with magazines in the grocery line, so fuck it.
The last point on this matter is that despite all of this, and my prejudginess about this date, and the feeling in the pit of my stomach about not wanting to go on a date with someone I wasn’t excited about (again), is that it worked out. Well, depending on your definition of work out. So – despite all my fears of being dictated by a social norm, there’s the fact that I was open enough to go with something that was working. That said, I wonder if I could actually make the transition from hook up to dating with someone who isn’t “my type.” And that’s really troublesome. Because that’s all like, “am I judging myself/letting perceived judgments by others effect decisions about who to date, even if I’m not letting it effect who I sleep with…?”
B. Girl dates versus Guy dates
I could probably write a whole post about the ways dating women differ from dating men, for me. I probably will, actually. And then I’ll come back, and edit this line out, and put a link here instead. If I remember. The crux is that both are easier in some ways and harder in others, but that when it comes to the whole going home with question, I’m more likely to go home with a woman sooner. That’s a lie. I’m more likely to feel more comfortable about the decision I’m making, and I’m more likely to “go farther”. I think this has to do with, again, of course, socialization.
The stereotype, the thing in my head, is that men are more aggressive, and therefore potentially more dangerous. Depending on your definition of danger, some might argue that’s a legitimate point. I think danger comes in different forms, and I think it’s not really worth pointing out (but clearly I will anyway, just in case) that people who are dangerous probably shouldn’t be in my bed, that doesn’t mean they won’t be. Anyone you just met probably has a certain degree of “danger” associated with them, and that’s part of the attraction, maybe. But, there’s also the fact that I’m a scaredy cat, so I walk a fine line of being overly cautious and foolish when horny. Anyway, this stereotype of men also derives from my experience with men, which is ample enough to say that you often feel like you’re defending yourself. That you’re putting forth a boundary, and the guy is trying to test it…trying to see how far he can get you to go past it. This sounds appalling. I mean, it is appalling. It’s also something that many, many, many of my friends have agreed with to be the norm. As someone who gets called a tease a lot, and sets pretty firm first time hook up boundaries, I think it’s unfortunately pretty valid that there’s something in the culture that encourages men to take no as maybe and do their best to convince you to make it yes. And there’s something about what women are told “good girls” do that makes us say no, even if we want to say yes, that then allows us to be convinced to change the no to a yes, which perpetuates the idea that no means maybe. This is a huge, huge, huge problem. On top of THAT, there’s the issue of men preferring a woman who says no, to one who says yes, because of the virgin/whore thing, and consent being not sexy, and conquest being the name of the game, and it just really disgusts me. A mild pop culture reference to this can be found in High Fidelity when John Cusack’s character discusses his teenage self’s discovery of breasts. This is the monologue, being done on youtube by someone else…but, the point is, really this is an acceptable pop culture depiction in the 1990s?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wg14tkV69d4
No wonder so many women feel like we need to be on the defensive when hooking up with men.
The point is I don’t feel that same way about women, so it leads me to move faster than is probably a good idea. This distinction between being the aggressor or the defender, the being on my guard versus not, is sort of what’s thrilling about shifting between the dynamics. However, it also potentially leads me astray.
C. Am I “That Guy”?
I’m using “that guy” very, very liberally here. Almost, just as an excuse to link to this:
http://synecdochic.livejournal.com/214607.html
because I think it’s so fantastic and everyone should read it.
There are these stereotypes about men and women and sex that we all know. Women put more weight on sex. Women think it means more. Women get more clingy. Men will sleep with anything that moves, etc. etc. etc. The problem is, I think, that for everyone it means more with some people than with others. Some people (men and women) are better able to detach sex from intimacy. I believe men are taught how to do this in a way women are not, because of societal norms surrounding chastity and what women “should” want (relationships, babies, commitment, etc.), and that we’re taught sex is a way to get what we want, which in said scenario is something OTHER than sex, that men are unwilling/able to give us on the merits of them wanting it to, or something. There’s probably research about how this biological. There’s probably a lot written about why this is or is not true. At the end of the day, the way that it’s relevant to me is that I think it’s easy to detach sex from “emotion” when you’re sort of neutral feeling about someone, and it’s hard when you’re not. Well, for me it is. And, that gets complicated when their feelings are more, or less, neutral than your own.
And, I have some really complicated neuroses about whether it’s supremely unhealthy that I can separate sex from what I call “intimacy”, because shouldn’t I be connecting them? And do I think I should be connecting them because ultimately that might make feel happier? Or do I judge myself for not connecting them because that’s socially acceptable? I have this question in my head a lot about these things, obviously, whether I actually feel a certain way or I think I should feel a certain way and feel guilty for not. (E.g. I had a random hook up. That is slutty. I should feel bad. I don’t feel bad. I now feel bad for not feeling bad about something I should feel bad about.) There’s no use in pointing out to my subconscious that the links between I had a random hook up, that is slutty, and I should feel bad have some serious logic flaws going on.
“Intimacy” to me is things like cuddling, and getting breakfast, and meeting my friends, and knowing that I don’t like eggs without cheese in them. Other people have different definitions. Ideally I want to be having sex with intimacy, but sometimes, a girl takes what she can get. And I don’t think I’m the only one. It’s hard to find a connection, and sometimes, a physical feeling is the kind of connection you’re looking for. Awhile back I decided I didn’t want to have any more one night stands/random hookups/first date hookups, whatever you want to call it that makes you feel least sleazy, because that’s not something inherently sleazy, but I think we’re taught to feel like it is. I decided I wanted to move more slowly and find the “real thing” and I didn’t need the validation of knowing I was attractive enough to get laid if I wanted it. Or, I knew that enough, I didn’t need to reaffirm it. This is a personal decision, that I’m bad at sticking to, and that assumes there’s something less “real” about people who consider those kinds of relationships “the real thing.”
The problem is that sometimes, though, you get drunk and horny and situations arise. And the question becomes how much weight are both parties putting on the given interaction. Everything really is related in my head, by the way, because this takes me back to my point about comfort levels between girl and guy dating. Because of the extra caution I ascribe to hookups with men, I am less likely to feel like I’m giving the wrong signal about what I want from someone, and feel less likely to lead someone on. With women, because I’m more aggressive, I feel like I am more likely to lead someone on. To give the impression that I want more than I do, that the hookup means more to me than it does, because I’m willing to do more perceived “intimate” things, that I of course am judging myself for not finding as “intimate” as I should, because they’re physical. This feeds into gender stereotyping about how I’m not leading men on because they don’t ascribe as much emotion to sex, but women do so therefore that’s why I think I’m leading them on. It’s this weird stereotype perpetuating, but logically flawed cycle, because who knows what would happen if I was going further with the men (maybe they would then be interpreting things as the women do, or I would be concerned that they might be, like I am concerned the women are, that the interaction means more to me than it does, but because I am telling them “no”, I am making it clear that it means less).
Anyway, then I buy into the “women are clingy about sex” thing, which is absurd since I’m a woman having sex in that same scenario who is being all commitment-phobe not clingy. And I worry about being “that guy”. I worry that I am using people (even when I’m trying to be honest – but, like, being honest about using someone is still using them, and people tend to hear what they want to hear, I think, or at least I do, about how someone feels about situation when they’re in bed with someone they like). I worry that the things about me that are declaratively “feminine” about me make me seem more invested than I am. Like, I’m afraid to say no, often, if I think it will hurt someone’s feelings (like, can I spend the night since it’s 3 AM and I live far away and it’s NYC?...that’s not only a it will hurt your feelings, but also, a safety issue, which, as a woman/feminist, I’m really aware of) even though I really don’t want them to spend the night. And then I panic that if I don’t clarify NOW that my letting them spend the night isn’t serious, it will seem duplicitous down the line, but no one actually wants to wake up to “you know I only let you stay here because you live far away.” Even if you (and not I) can figure out a more tactful way to say that. And I have all these insecurities about being generous and being a giver that come off as genuine care and affection, but really might just be traits that have been bred into me by television (or something). And, so, I potentially become that guy insofar as I think I’m being sensitive when really I’m being presumptuous, and I may or may not be pressuring people/deceiving them to get what suits me. Which is horrifying. Obviously, I can never actually be “that guy”, because there are inherent dynamics in relationships between men and women that come from how we’re socialized (for the most part) that create the “that guy” scenario, but “that guy” or not, the idea of playing fast and loose with other people’s emotions is not really appealing to me.
Wow. This post is epic. And I’m not sure where I really ended up. But, in summation, I think it’s important for me to focus on not making assumptions based on my socialization, or the socialization of others (or how I think other people have been socialized.) And, to be better about not consciously making selfish decisions.
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